Cheese fries, according the study, have been found to increase one’s sex drive; pizza makes teeth whiter and raises SAT scores by 50 percent; nachos clear the skin; and, the natural fairy dust from which cheese is made, combined with the happy thoughts that are inherent when eating nachos, can, in fact, cause spontaneous flight.
In a groundbreaking new study conducted by the Ritchie Cheese on Carbs Institute, scientists have discovered several advantages to the daily consumption of cheese atop carbohydrates. Cheese fries, according the study, have been found to increase one’s sex drive; pizza makes teeth whiter and raises SAT scores by 50 percent; nachos clear the skin; and the natural fairy dust from which cheese is made, combined with the happy thoughts that are inherent when eating nachos, can, in fact, cause spontaneous flight.
Doctors have finally reached a consensus on one thing: that cheese on carbs should be eaten at every meal. Why have we been wasting our time on spinach all these years? Cream cheese on bagels is recommended for breakfast, while grilled cheese sandwiches are a perfect lunchtime treat. Anything Italian or Mexican works for dinner, really.
Opponents of this study, the nay-sayers, are saying, "Nay. I am lactose/gluten-or-whatever intolerant. This isn't fair! I want whiter teeth! I want to fly!" The American Medical Association addressed those issues in a statement earlier this morning: "Stop whining," they said. “Your body's rejection of either carbohydrates or dairy products has a great deal to do with Satan possessing your body. Quite frankly, you have bigger fish to fry than an upset stomach or feeling a little sleepy.”
Still not convinced? The following are testimonials from the study's initial participants:
Cassandra Flatbottom of Canterbury, NE: “No matter what I did, I just couldn’t seem to learn Russian. I poured over books, even bought that expensive Rosetta Stone program. Nothing worked. But after eight weeks eating nachos and cheese fries, I speak Russian, and I’m fluent enough to translate for the U.N.! I didn’t even crack a book! Спасибо, сыр на карбюраторах!”
Bernard Santiago of Newport, CO: “I was sick of being heterosexual. When I think of the way I used to dress, the cans of Busch Light, and how I contentedly ignored my girlfriends, I shudder. I read about the cheese on carbs diet in a copy of Playboy. After four fabulous weeks of fondue, I’m totally gay! I dress better, drink cosmos, and live with my partner, Thaddeus, in an apartment that’s just to die for! Thanks, cheese on carbs!”
Mary Bunting of Greenwich, CT: “I’ve been trying to grow a second head since I was 15. At 35, I’d completely given up. Then, a friend of mine told me about the cheese on carbs diet, and after just four weeks eating all the Cheetos I wanted, my companion head fully formed next to the original! Now I always have someone to talk to!”
For more information regarding the cheese on carbs study, contact the Ritchie Cheese on Carbs Institute on Ashland Avenue, between Taco Bell and the Cheese Fry Hut.
Maggie Ritchie is an MFA candidate in fiction writing at Columbia College Chicago. She enjoys writing, teaching, and, of course, cheese on carbs.
